hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
