as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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