someone threw a dead crab at me
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It's shark week go big or go home
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
