So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
