we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize