You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
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