I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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