just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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