is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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