Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize