I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
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