There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize