but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
