I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Randomize