she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
