it was like his penis was on wheels.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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