Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
