Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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