Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
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