I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
