man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Randomize
