I like to think it a success when the cops are called
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
