Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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