Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
either way he was missing a nipple.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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