I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
