Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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