Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
me + whiskey = a bad person
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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