he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
