I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize