I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
