I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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