My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Randomize
