He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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