I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
