no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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