So drunk its hurt
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
