this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize