from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
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