If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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