We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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