i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
