Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
