if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
