watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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