Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
