After last night, I could never be a politician.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
