Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
