You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
