Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Randomize
