Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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