if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Randomize
