she takes plan B like it's going out of style
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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