Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
