Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
