so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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