Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
